Beautiful

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“Beauty is how you feel inside and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” ~Sophia Loren

Lately I have been really obsessed with how I look.  My face has been breaking out really bad (at 30 … 15 years of this, will it never end?!?), and it seems that the more I do to try and fix my face, the worse it is becoming.  I have tried different treatments, and the only thing it seems they have done is make me break out worse and make me feel worse about myself and my looks.  I have been so focused on the ‘physical’, that I have actually gone into hiding at work, barely coming out of my office, because I am so embarassed about this mess of a face.  But the more I have thought (obsessed) about this, I have come to realize something.  Noone else cares.  Noone else looks at me the way I look at me: judgmental, critical, unloving.  I don’t think I am beautiful because I am so focused on what I think the outside should look like, that I have neglected to take care of my inner beauty, which is what it is all about anyway.  If I am loving and unjudgmental towards myself, people will feel that love and see that love, and that love is what is beautiful.  NOT the red spots on my face.  This outer shell is not eternal, and if I WAS beautiful and could easily love myself, what lesson would I learn then??  I must learn to love the true me, the me that is not anything physical, but is utterly and completely spiritual and eternal. XOXO

Alive for a Reason

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Here I go …

My first post, my first time writing ANYTHING about myself and my inner-most thoughts and feelings for … I don’t even know how long.  At least a year, probably longer.  In the past, I have only ever written about myself and my thoughts in hand-written journals, and as I have grown older and found less time (and motivation) to do, well anything, hand-written, and now spend so much time in front of a computer, I thought why not start a blog to share my thoughts and feelings with … well, noone really. 

This isn’t a blog I am going to tell anyone about, or even share who I really am, it is something anonymous where I can just put myself out there, for the whole universe to see.  A complete, honest, opening of my heart and mind so that I can start the journey home to my true self.  I feel like as time has gone on, I have lost myself.  I get so caught up in the day-to-day rituals and meanial tasks (being the left-brained person that I am), and can go days or weeks without taking the time to stop and think about who I am and where I am going.  Sometimes I forget there is a greater reason for life than just going to work so I can pay the bills and maybe save a little money for a few precious days of vacation each year.

I saw this quote a few days ago, and it just struck home to me.  On the outward appearance, I don’t usually appear to have a rough morning – or day – and can go about my routines with diligent persistance.  No matter how I feel, whether sick or sad or tired, I never fail to get up at 5am every weekday to exercise.  It would seem that I am one not easily willing to give up.  Yet on the inside, it is a different story.  Things are so ‘rough’ inside of me ALL THE TIME, that I gave up a long time ago.  I don’t really know what my purpose or reason for living is, I just do it because it’s a habit.  I have given up trying to search within my soul to figure this stuff out, because it’s all so jumbled up, and I often don’t have the energy or motivation to even know where to start (and that’s why I just concentrate on the things I can start and finish every day – like exercising, working, cooking … the real ‘soul-searching’ stuff).

But I am tired of not understanding myself.  I just do things without ever thinking or asking myself why I am doing them.  Sure, some of those things are positive, and there’s probably a good reason for doing them, but I don’t know what it is.  And as for the negative things … well, I just don’t know.  And that’s why I keep repeating them.  That’s why I am stuck in this hole and I can’t get out, and I’m just running around in little circles, seeing the same things I see every day and doing the same things I do every day, and not getting anywhere.  I want to get somewhere, I want to feel like my life has REAL meaning and purpose, I want to know who I am.  And today is the beginning of my journey.