Fitting In

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Apart from my sweet husband, I don’t have any friends.  Not even one.  I can scan through my phone for the past few weeks, even months, and there is not one person who has called me, besides bill collectors.  Sure, you could look at my facebook page and see that I have hundreds of ‘friends’ … people that will like a status update or respond to one of my posts, but I really don’t consider those people true friends.  It has been so long since I had someone else in my life that I considered a friend … I don’t know if I even know how to be a friend anymore.  For a long time it bothered me.  It would cause me great heartache, and I shed many tears for the pain I felt thinking nobody cared about me.  I really tried to fit in – at work, at Church, in social settings – but all I was doing was pretending.  I can recall countless conversations with people that consisted of me asking questions about them, complimenting them, listening to them, but not one comment or question to me in return.  I know people can be self-centered, but everyone?!?  I started thinking that I just wasn’t good enough, wasn’t worthy for anyone’s time or attention.  After an extremely upsetting and lonely day, I was having a conversation with my hubby (one of many, many conversations about this subject), and he said something profound to me.  He said that I needed to stop worrying about what other people thought, but to just follow what my heart said; to be true to myself.  If I did that, my light would shine for others to either accept or reject.  The purpose of life isn’t to fit in with the crowd, but to find your true self and share that person with the world.  As I have tried to be true to myself, to do what my heart says and what makes me happy, I have come to find that I no longer worry about being alone.  I have learnt to appreciate – and even savor – the alone times I do have, where I can focus on myself and developing my talents and goals.  Luckily, I can share some of these things with my hubby, and hopefully my future children someday, but that is not the point.  I do these things so I can fulfil my dreams, and my destiny … so I can take that little step towards becoming who I was born to be.

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