I have a love-hate relationship with the person who gave me life. Ironic, really. There are so many things about her that drive me crazy, that I can’t stand, … yet without her, I wouldn’t be here. I know she has tried to be a good mother, but the way she judges others – including me – is almost too much to handle. I guess I can be grateful that I have lived far, far away from home for 12 years now, but even just her e-mails and once-yearly visits, are enough to push me over the edge. I know she does not approve of my choice in husband, in moving away from her, in not having children yet. She doesn’t often verbalize it, but I can feel the judgments just OOZING out of her. The problem is, I am still intimidated by her. I still want her to approve of me and my life, and do everything I can to try and please her, yet I NEVER will. I role-play out conversations in my mind of what I would say to her if she brought up an unfair judgment towards me, but then when that ever happens, I run scared and timidly make excuses that I think will satisfy her, while all the time giving up part of myself. So now it has happened again, she has said something to me (well, e-mailed something to me), to which I have just recently been role-playing my response if this topic should ever come up. Here I stand at the cross roads. Do I try to please her, as I always have done, with the only result being a loss of my self-confidence and self-respect. Or do I FINALLY be true to myself, stand up to her, and realize that I don’t have to give excuses for who I am and how I choose to live. I have always tried to do what I feel in my heart is right, I am a good person, so what do I have to be ashamed of??
Apart from my sweet husband, I don’t have any friends. Not even one. I can scan through my phone for the past few weeks, even months, and there is not one person who has called me, besides bill collectors. Sure, you could look at my facebook page and see that I have hundreds of ‘friends’ … people that will like a status update or respond to one of my posts, but I really don’t consider those people true friends. It has been so long since I had someone else in my life that I considered a friend … I don’t know if I even know how to be a friend anymore. For a long time it bothered me. It would cause me great heartache, and I shed many tears for the pain I felt thinking nobody cared about me. I really tried to fit in – at work, at Church, in social settings – but all I was doing was pretending. I can recall countless conversations with people that consisted of me asking questions about them, complimenting them, listening to them, but not one comment or question to me in return. I know people can be self-centered, but everyone?!? I started thinking that I just wasn’t good enough, wasn’t worthy for anyone’s time or attention. After an extremely upsetting and lonely day, I was having a conversation with my hubby (one of many, many conversations about this subject), and he said something profound to me. He said that I needed to stop worrying about what other people thought, but to just follow what my heart said; to be true to myself. If I did that, my light would shine for others to either accept or reject. The purpose of life isn’t to fit in with the crowd, but to find your true self and share that person with the world. As I have tried to be true to myself, to do what my heart says and what makes me happy, I have come to find that I no longer worry about being alone. I have learnt to appreciate – and even savor – the alone times I do have, where I can focus on myself and developing my talents and goals. Luckily, I can share some of these things with my hubby, and hopefully my future children someday, but that is not the point. I do these things so I can fulfil my dreams, and my destiny … so I can take that little step towards becoming who I was born to be.
“Beauty is how you feel inside and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” ~Sophia Loren
Lately I have been really obsessed with how I look. My face has been breaking out really bad (at 30 … 15 years of this, will it never end?!?), and it seems that the more I do to try and fix my face, the worse it is becoming. I have tried different treatments, and the only thing it seems they have done is make me break out worse and make me feel worse about myself and my looks. I have been so focused on the ‘physical’, that I have actually gone into hiding at work, barely coming out of my office, because I am so embarassed about this mess of a face. But the more I have thought (obsessed) about this, I have come to realize something. Noone else cares. Noone else looks at me the way I look at me: judgmental, critical, unloving. I don’t think I am beautiful because I am so focused on what I think the outside should look like, that I have neglected to take care of my inner beauty, which is what it is all about anyway. If I am loving and unjudgmental towards myself, people will feel that love and see that love, and that love is what is beautiful. NOT the red spots on my face. This outer shell is not eternal, and if I WAS beautiful and could easily love myself, what lesson would I learn then?? I must learn to love the true me, the me that is not anything physical, but is utterly and completely spiritual and eternal. XOXO