Monthly Archives: February 2012

Alive for a Reason

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Here I go …

My first post, my first time writing ANYTHING about myself and my inner-most thoughts and feelings for … I don’t even know how long.  At least a year, probably longer.  In the past, I have only ever written about myself and my thoughts in hand-written journals, and as I have grown older and found less time (and motivation) to do, well anything, hand-written, and now spend so much time in front of a computer, I thought why not start a blog to share my thoughts and feelings with … well, noone really. 

This isn’t a blog I am going to tell anyone about, or even share who I really am, it is something anonymous where I can just put myself out there, for the whole universe to see.  A complete, honest, opening of my heart and mind so that I can start the journey home to my true self.  I feel like as time has gone on, I have lost myself.  I get so caught up in the day-to-day rituals and meanial tasks (being the left-brained person that I am), and can go days or weeks without taking the time to stop and think about who I am and where I am going.  Sometimes I forget there is a greater reason for life than just going to work so I can pay the bills and maybe save a little money for a few precious days of vacation each year.

I saw this quote a few days ago, and it just struck home to me.  On the outward appearance, I don’t usually appear to have a rough morning – or day – and can go about my routines with diligent persistance.  No matter how I feel, whether sick or sad or tired, I never fail to get up at 5am every weekday to exercise.  It would seem that I am one not easily willing to give up.  Yet on the inside, it is a different story.  Things are so ‘rough’ inside of me ALL THE TIME, that I gave up a long time ago.  I don’t really know what my purpose or reason for living is, I just do it because it’s a habit.  I have given up trying to search within my soul to figure this stuff out, because it’s all so jumbled up, and I often don’t have the energy or motivation to even know where to start (and that’s why I just concentrate on the things I can start and finish every day – like exercising, working, cooking … the real ‘soul-searching’ stuff).

But I am tired of not understanding myself.  I just do things without ever thinking or asking myself why I am doing them.  Sure, some of those things are positive, and there’s probably a good reason for doing them, but I don’t know what it is.  And as for the negative things … well, I just don’t know.  And that’s why I keep repeating them.  That’s why I am stuck in this hole and I can’t get out, and I’m just running around in little circles, seeing the same things I see every day and doing the same things I do every day, and not getting anywhere.  I want to get somewhere, I want to feel like my life has REAL meaning and purpose, I want to know who I am.  And today is the beginning of my journey.